I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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