worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
