you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
