My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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