My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
