turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize