Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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