so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize