i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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