I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
