We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
