Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
