Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
