he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
