Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
