Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
