If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
