hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
