A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
