I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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