I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
