here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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