Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
