where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize