On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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