your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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