Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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