At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize