Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
