Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize