What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
