I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Panties = found
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
