Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
