Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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