I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
