Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
