Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
