Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
