The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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