Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
