so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
