Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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