Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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