The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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