As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize