Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
