Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
