Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
