i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
