The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
