I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
