Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
