I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Welp...herpes.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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