I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
