ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
