return my video game
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize