Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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